13 Short Stoic Rules For Handling Difficult People Like a Philosopher
And how psychologist Carl Jung destroyed my idea of the “self” and perception of “I” in the best way possible.
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The true test of character is not the absence of difficulty but how we respond to it. The Stoic philosopher Epictetus famously said, “It is not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters.” “Difficult people” (from passive-aggressive colleagues to family members who love drama) trigger irritation, frustration, and even anger, leaving us drained and powerless. They turn interactions into emotional obstacle courses. But you can do something constructive about it.
“Any person capable of angering you becomes your master; he can anger you only when you permit yourself to be disturbed by him.” ― Epictetus
Stoicism, an ancient philosophy founded in ancient Greece, teaches us to cultivate wisdom, justice, courage, and temperance in all areas of life. In every interaction, you’re not just dealing with others; you’re also dealing with yourself. “If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment,” says Roman emperor and stoic philosopher Marcus Aurelius. These stoic rules are timeless because difficult humans are not going anywhere. They are persistent and prolific. Use them find calm in times of chaos.
Rule #1: Detangle yourself from the web of expectations. Remember the serenity prayer? Same principle. You can’t control others, only your reactions. Stop expecting them to change, or you’ll be perpetually disappointed. Accept them as they are — fascinating, maybe even helpful, but not defining your space.
Rule #2: Seek the “why” behind the “what.” What’s the source? Are they stressed? Insecure? Projecting their own issues? Empathy isn’t condoning; it’s understanding. It doesn’t excuse their behaviour, but it diffuses your anger, replacing it with a calm, “Ah, that explains the crazy outburst.”
Rule #3: It’s not you; it’s their internal drama (but own your reactions). Difficult people are like walking Shakespearean tragedies, endlessly playing out their own angst. While acknowledging their struggles, remember Epictetus’ wisdom: “Man is not disturbed by events, but by the views he takes of them.” Don’t be their audience; choose your interpretation wisely. Their negativity is theirs to own: your peace of mind is yours to defend.
Rule #4: Become a non-reactive monk. Imagine their negativity as a rogue outburst, but easily avoided. Stay light on your feet, mentally dodge their negativity with calm, measured responses. You control your reactions, not their actions. Be the stoic monk, deflecting emotional reactions without losing your head. Or yourself in the process.
Rule #5: Break the negativity chain reaction (don’t be a link). Negativity thrives on attention. Don’t fuel the fire by gossiping, complaining, or getting sucked into the drama. Be the positive circuit breaker, redirecting the conversation to solutions or simply changing the subject. Remember, you have the power to break the cycle.
Rule #6: Set boundaries like a stoic. Be flexible and firm without losing your mind. Communicate your limits and stick to them with calm assertiveness. Respecting your boundaries is key to respecting yourself. Don’t let difficult people drain your energy. Say “no” firmly and politely, and don’t be afraid to create physical or emotional distance.
Rule #7: Choose your battles (and mental weapons). Not every interaction requires a full-blown Stoic intervention. Sometimes, the best defence is a polite disengage. But if conflict is unavoidable, use Epictetus’ “two handles” metaphor. Every situation has two ways to be approached: the emotional handle (yelling back) and the rational handle (calm communication). Choose the handle of a wise warrior, not a flailing gladiator.
Rule #8: Be the change you want to see (but ditch the preaching). Want less negativity? Be the beacon of chill! Kindness and understanding are contagious, and your good vibes might even defuse the grump, creating a Stoic domino effect of peace. Leading by example is a more powerful way to deal with difficult people.
Rule #9: They’re playing a different game. Not everyone operates by Stoic principles. Accept that their reactions might be illogical, but don’t get dragged down to their level. You’re playing chess; they’re playing checkers. Don’t get checkmated by their tantrums. Don’t fall for their provocations! Pause, assess the situation, and choose your response carefully. Don’t give them the emotional satisfaction they crave.
Rule #10: Focus on what you can control (which isn’t them). You can’t control other people’s behaviour, but you can control your own reactions. Instead of fuming about a difficult person’s negativity, focus on your own breath, thoughts, and actions.
Rule #11: This, too, shall pass. No interaction lasts forever. Even the most soul-crushing conversation eventually ends. So, take a deep breath, remind yourself that this is temporary, and focus on the silver lining (like the break away from it all after dealing with the experience).
Rule #12: You’re not perfect either (So chill out). We all have our moments of flailing-elbow negativity. So, cut yourself some slack and extend the same understanding to others. After all, even the stoics probably had bad days.
Rule #13: Practice makes stoic. Dealing with difficult people is a skill, not a trick. Don’t expect instant results. It’s okay to feel frustrated or annoyed sometimes. Mastering your emotions takes practice, like any other skill. Acknowledge your emotions, but don’t let them control you. The stoics were humans like you; they honed their emotional control. Be patient with yourself. The more you practice these techniques, the calmer and more resilient you’ll become.
Free read on Medium
This Will Change Everything You Know About Yourself, Says Carl Jung
Psychiatrist, psychotherapist, and psychologist Carl Jung destroyed my idea of the “self” and perception of “I” in the best way possible. Knowledge of his ideas changed everything I thought I knew about my “self.” He thought we all have a subconscious self beyond the “persona” people know.
You are not one, but many “selves.”
Writer and designer Edith Wharton on habits
“The producer of old age is habit: the deathly process of doing the same thing in the same way at the same hour day after day, first from carelessness, then from inclination, at last from cowardice or inertia. Habit is necessary; but it is the habit of having careless habits, of turning a trail into a rut, that must be incessantly fought against if one is to remain alive… one can remain alive long past the usual date of disintegration if one is unafraid of change, insatiable in intellectual curiosity, interested in big things, and happy in small ways.”
Source: A Backward Glance
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You pack an incredible amount of wisdom into a single Stack!
Thank you. Very helpful.